Cats: Film Review

Synopsis

I'm not even gonna try.

Review

Move over, Jexi. Cats has come to take the crown as the worst movie of the year. If you've read the stories, heard the tales, or god forbid, seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. This movie is so  bad, I can not imagine a worse way to go about doing this. The movie is all over the place tonally. One minute, it is dark and drab while singing "Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats," then it's lively during "The Rum Tum Tugger," and then quasi-psychedelic during "Macavity: The Mystery Cat." There is ABSOLUTELY no plot. All the conventions that make a story a story are just thrown out of the f**king window. And whatever scraps of conflict are there, it is immediately resolved, not even one song later. The only saving grace is Jennifer Hudson's rendition of "Memory," which does not deserve to be in this horrid piece of filmmaking. Speaking of Jennifer Hudson, I don't know what movie she thought she was in, but it wasn't this. That goes for everyone in the cast. They are all on different wavelengths, it is crazy. James Corden and Rebel Wilson are in a slapstick comedy, Dame Judi Dench and Jennifer Hudson are in an Oscar-bait drama, Idris Elba and Taylor Swift seem to be in The Wiz. The only people that seems to know that they are in Cats are Robbie Fairchild, Jason Derulo (who decided to employ a horrible Cockney accent) Laurie Davidson, and the greatest cat of them all, Sir Ian McKellen. Now, I've saved the worst for last, the not fully finished elephant in the room, the visual effects. The effects are so bad, it seems like they saw the movie and decided to just delete itself. They aren't finished. There is a scene, and I kid you not, Judi Dench's hand still has her wedding ring on it. In facts, 53% of the hands in this movie aren't done. Also, the cats just seem to float on the ground and there is some glitching also. Naked Idris Elba cat is one of the freakiest things I've ever seen, and I've watched Dr. Pimple Popper. There are mice (played by children; why do this to them??) and I sh*t you not, tap-dancing cockroaches with human faces (picture below). Also, can we talk about perspective? I hope Tom Hooper is reading this because he seems to not know what perspective is. These cats are all different sizes depending on what room they are in. They seem to be half the width of a train track and the height of a VW Bug at the same time. It's like ... WHAT?! I don't know if you can tell, but I really don't like this movie.